This post is dedicated to my ex-boyfriend, Tayo with whom i can say without any shred of doubt that i shared something close to love with. I’ve had quite a bit of luck in just about everything else in my life except ofcourse in love. Have you ever been in love? wont blame you if you havent, considering that these are hard times for romance. I think its only a lucky few who ever get to feel true love, infact, to be honest, i’m not even sure anyone knows what true love means and it probably means different things to different people. To me, its being loved in return as much as i love, its being cared for, its being able to look at someone across the room and feel my heart flutter just knowing that he’s mine, its being able to trust that no matter what happens, he’s never gonna cheat on me, its being proud of who and what he is, its knowing that apart from God, there’s someone else that i can count on to be there, its becoming a part of someone but still being able to be myself, but above all, its being given a chance to show just how much love i’ve got in me and being allowed to shower it on someone, is that asking for too much? i guess for some people, it is. It might sound humanly impossible to find such a person and feel the way i just described but from i’ve learnt, lots of people regardless of race, ethinicity,gender or age… all want these things to some degree so what baffles me is why we cant find it. Have people lost faith in love? I know I have….yes i know it sounds pessimistic, but when you’ve been where i’ve been with relationships….you’re bound to start losing hope at some point and the fact that i’m pessimistic by nature obviously doesn’t help either.
I’ve had a number of men in my life (forget that i’m only 25) and out of all of them….roughly 5..i’ve only ever really been happy with one of them! I’m not laying blames here cos i’ve had my own faults (thats gist for another day) but Tayo……….Tayo and i hit it off straight from the begining! He’s gonna go bunkers if he ever sees this but i already told him once, that if i ever wrote my biography, a large chunk of it would be dedicated to him. We’re no longer together and we have our little skirmishes from time to time but i know one thing for sure….i might never find that kinda love again. some of our friends think i’m still in love with him and the way i’ve been going on here, you’ve probably started thinking the same, well, I am not…..not anymore…..whatever i felt for him years ago, i had to kill to be able to move on, continuing to love him would have been detrimental to both our future because tayo was one that i could never have (Q: why do we always want that which we cannot have?). Anyways, i guess this is my own way of saying;
thank you for loving me unconditionally,
thank you for loving me even though we come from totally different worlds (he’s christian and i’m a muslim, which is why we eventually had to part ways….yeah, in my part of the world, such things count…..A LOT!),
Thank you for letting me love you,
Thank you for making me feel like a billion dollars ( i was quite the envy of my friends),
Thanks for reminding me everyday how much you loved me;not just by saying it but by showing it in subtle ways,
Thank you for making me smile always even when i was unhappy,
Thanks for giving me the chance to love unconditionally with reckless abandon,
Thanks for being selfless and for caring so much,
Thanks for always going the extra mile to make sure i was ok even when i was being a pain in the ass,
Thanks for putting up with all my imperfections,
Thank you for standing by me unfailingly when i needed you most…..oh….i could go on but i’ll never finish. I’ve tried to thank you in person several times but being who i am (believe it or not,i suck when it comes to expressing my emotions to loved ones), I never told you enough.
I knew from the first time i met you that you were different and regardless of all the obstacles in our way, we made it work…yes we did. Thanks for proving to me that i had the capacity to love so dearly……and even though we cant be together (i know you still think we can, I was always the more practical one, remember?)I’ll always carry your memory with me (not difficult since we talk almost everyday!)…Ok, i need to ask….is it bad to still talk to your ex when he’s got a girlfriend? i mean, we talk about everything (wink), is that like cheating on her? nah, i dont think so……i havent got any designs on him, or anything, i want him to be happy and i’ll do all that i can to make sure that he is, serious!
I dont regret that we parted ways, it was the right decision at the time and we took it together even though it hurt like hell and i cried like there was no tomorrow. Its been 3 years now, and i still remember every single detail, not because i havent moved on but because i’ve moved on and i still havent found anything like what we had…maybe i’ve been making unfair comparisons, but when you’ve experienced something close to perfection, you’ll never settle for less (which i have settled for a couple of times anyways…….what? i was being openminded). I wish you the best life could possibly offer because you deserve all the happiness in the world and i do pray….oh Lord, i PRAY…..that i find something remotely close(not even better…..jeez…..these are really hard times isnt it?) to what we had….i know i should remain positive and optimistic (but who am i kiddin? i’m running out of optimism here) but if i never find that kind of love again, then i’ld rather be alone and cherish those memories when once upon a time…….i actually loved and was loved in return!