Today will go down in history as the first time i blogged twice in a day! or is it? my memory is porous these days and im not even 40 yet! I’m just feeling all weird and mushy mushy today…dont know why. It might have something to do with the fact that i’m bored stiff and my day didnt go the way i had imagined it would, hmmm, my imagination…. that is the root of my problems by the way. I have the craziest imagination and i fantasize about anything under the sun, realistic or otherwise, I’ve dreamed up like 50 different versions of my own wedding and honeymoon, in different countries and with different grooms too, I’ve fantasized about my children like a million times (i’m not even married for Gods sake, isn’t that like jumping the gun?), first, I used to imagine that i had 6, that was when i was in my teens, then i grew up and realised that there was economic depression around the world so i chucked that dream for 4 children. That fantasy has undergone a lot of metamorphosis and right now it stands at 3, though, im still oscillating between having a girl first or a boy or twins! Then, I used to fantasize about marrying a black American (when i was just 13!), then i changed it for a famous artist, and then i became a music diva myself…………….oh God, enuff of this madness, I’ll elaborate on that someother time.
If i had any brains at all, which i like to think i do…i would be working on my dissertation. Ah…..my dissertation! Sometimes i fear i might never finish the darn thing, i seem to have just lost interest in all things academic all of a sudden and to think i actually wanna do a Ph.D (yeah rite) but i will believe me, not because i love to study and research or anything(im too lazy for that, only do it when i have to and i’m darn good at it too), I just really love having that pre-fix attached to my name……what? everyone’s got their reasons…atleast i’m being honest. Besides, i’ve always wanted to be a doctor atleast until i discovered what being a medical doctor entailed (try going into the med lab and you’ll understand), I haven’t got that kind of gumption man, I cant even stand the site of blood so how the hell am i supposed to actually cut someone open? hell, i couldnt even dissect a rat when i had practicals for my first degree! Honestly, I’ve got great respect for medical doctors, those guys are just amazing…so thank God for Ph.D’s, i can still be a doctor without being a doctor!!!!! cool.
What was i saying before i digressed? oh yea, its one of days when everything just feels empty, woke up feeling that way actually, and even though i tried to spruce things up earlier on…i’m still back to square one. I even did the most mundane things just so i wont feel bored…went to uncle’s and spent 3 hrs instead of 30 mins ( i would never have done that on a good day), and it dint turn out so bad actually, afterwards, went to register for my volunteering (you should do that as well), after which i called up a girlfriend (dint think i still had any left) who wanted me to accompany her to go shopping (hell no! would never have obliged of i was in my right frame of mind, i hate walking about with people who cant make up their minds), that turned out brilliant as well, funny enough.Looks like my day wasn’t that bad afterall…..now i feel stupid.
On reflection, i actually had a good by any standards, maybe i just feel lousy cos it didn’t turn out the way i wanted. God, when am i gonna change? this habit of letting my emotions get the better of me isn’t gonna cut it for God’s sake. What am i bugged about?
ok, something didnt quite work out the way i was hoping it would (sure uv guessed it’s about the opposite sex by now haven’t you) oh sh&**”t…..to think i pride myself on not being affected by these sort of things anymore….i thought i had grown, and was above all these wishy washy stuff by now…common girl (i really need to syke myself up, whoelse will?). But i’ve let myself slip lately, I’ve allowed my heart to get over my brain….i’ve let all these crap that people feed me get into my head and crowd my sense of reasoning (might have something to do with my dad visiting recently) not that my dad says crap but maybe he just fueled it.
Yes, i got a few prospects and it was going great, and then bang! i get sentimental….like i always do and start making a mountain out of a mole hill, i get ahead of myself and assume i know everything,planningand imagining things that havent even happened yet and never might anyways (probably why my relationships dont last) and now i dont know if i’m comin or going….i should really learn to shut my trap sometimes…but that wont be necessary if the fellas did some talking…all these being the life of the party is wearing me out! Now i need to get back to my dissertation but i cant cos im messed up…jeez, i hate it when guys get to me like this, especially when i’m not even sure its worth it or when i know for sure that the buggers are not even bothered at this very moment and are probably enjoying every bit of their time while im here being miserable (not that its their fault, they dont even know whats going on in my mind!). Now i’ve got to hold on to my pride…its sometimes my undoing but damn if im gonna let anyone know that im being silly and ridiculous for no good reason(except you guys ofcourse)……..really its no good reason, i’m just torturing myself for no reason at all…..I only hope that i haven’t messed everything up….this might have been good…honest…but who cares? if he can’t see that, then good riddance!